Love letter or break-up letter to my oldest friend …

Friendship break-ups … probably the hardest break-up of all time.

It’s not super common for two friends to sit down and discuss their break-up and its so different than breaking up with a spouse because usually that means you’re no longer living together; you’re dividing items and deciding who keeps the dog … It’s a clear break-up whether it is mutual or not.

Well, friendship break-ups aren’t like that. You slowly start to remove the friend from your daily life, then one day you realize you just don’t see them anymore and barely speak, but the friendship always seems to linger, it’s always there. Memories pop up and then things happen and create stories only that friend could understand - or you hear some juicy gossip you wish you could share with them and most of the time we engage again because nothing ever really went wrong in the friendship, no one betrayed the other and there was never a real break-up. Then while you’re on the phone or texting, they’ll say, “I miss you! Let’s get together soon!” and you do- you get together. You’re reminded why you distanced yourself in the first place and it’s a repeat cycle.

It’s not the worst cycle to be in, but some situations are worse than others. Out growing a friendship, in my opinion, is the worst break-up.

My friendship breakup started when I was 21 years old, we had been friends since we were 4 years old. We started going down two completely different paths and we weren’t interested in the same things anymore and had different friendships. No big deal, it happens. We kept in touch and stayed in the ‘cycle’ as I call it.

Around age 26 she got engaged and over the years that had passed since we were 21, we had created a good friendship foundation again, we were not the best of friends but we had our history so we would always be ‘close’ - just this time with a lot more boundaries. We had some mutual friends but not a lot, so it really kept a healthy distance between us and provided a good balance to our friendship since we were still so different from one another.

Well, I was asked to be a bridesmaid, and said yes, she seemed happy, and I was so happy for her, and it seemed like her life was on track. I feel terrible now but its been 2 years since their wedding and I don’t know what to do … its not the ‘friend’ I had prior to her getting married.

How do you tell your friend of over 20 years you’re that you don’t want to make plans with them because they’re always tipsy when you pick them up or meet up with them. What do I do when they don’t realize how loud or obnoxious they’re being. Basically, that they still act like a 21-year-old, even though they’re 30 years old.

In my opinion the hardest thing to tell someone- that the discissions they’re making in life are setting them up for failure and it makes you uncomfortable to ‘support’ them when you really don’t support anything they’re doing, at all. You’ve tried to help, you’ve tried to encourage them to make better choices, but it doesn’t matter. You know they are never going to change so rather than stand idly by and watch them wreck their life - you’ve decided to separate yourself and take no part in it.

I haven’t found a way to tell my oldest friend, I can’t be a part of this friendship anymore. That it’s not enjoyable for me in any way. I still care about her, and I always will, I truly hope she finds her way on top, but I can’t enable her life choices.

I have recently put my foot down and let her know, we need to have a serious conversation, I have tried to make a plan to get together with her several times, but they’re all failed attempts. I refuse to hang out with her until this conversation happens, and it will likely end with us not hanging out anyway because if she doesn’t change, I no longer want to be a part of it all.